Not feeling like yourself: A therapist’s reflection on chronic pain & identity

Recently, I was at a doctor’s appointment discussing my symptoms, pain, and medication adjustments when my doctor casually asked me “so, when’s the last time you felt like yourself?” I paused. Digested the question. And really thought about it before answering. I had truly not made the connection that amidst dealing with unresolved chronic health issues, I really didn’t feel like myself, at least not entirely. And this got me thinking…

How does chronic pain and chronic illness affect your sense of self and identity?

If you live with a chronic condition, you’re probably familiar with the constant unknown, frequent changes and adjustments, and just a general sense of feeling unsettled. You attend doctor’s appointments, try different medications, go to physical therapy, and try pretty much every treatment option under the sun to manage your pain and symptoms.

At the same time, your roles change. You might have a different capacity than you used to. Your purpose changes. Things that might have mattered before, no longer do. Perhaps you’re constantly checking in with your body, trying to keep track of symptoms. Your sense of independence might be disrupted as you need more support from others. Many people also experience mental health challenges as a result. You grieve what your body could one time do, and wonder if you’ll ever be able to get back to your previous baseline.

How can you feel like yourself when you’re not even sure who you are anymore?

This is a common experience for chronic illness warriors that I see often as a therapist who specializes in chronic illness. When you develop a chronic condition, almost everything in your life changes in some way. Including you. Your values and priorities change. You become a different version of yourself.

So, how do you figure out who you are now?

Start with identifying your values. If you had a good sense of them before, have they changed? What is important to you now? If you’re not sure, or you’ve never identified your values, start with this list. Note down any that feel important, then identify your top 10, then your top 5. Those are the things that matter to you most at your core.

Accountability

Achievement

Adaptability

Adventure

Altruism

Ambition

Authenticity

Balance

Beauty

Being the best

Belonging

Career

Caring

Collaboration

Commitment

Community

Compassion

Competence

Confidence

Connection

Contentment

Contribution

Cooperation

Courage

Creativity

Curiosity

Dignity

Diversity

Environment

Efficiency

Equality

Ethics

Excellence

Fairness

Faith

Family

Financial stability

Forgiveness

Freedom

Friendship

Fun

Future generations

Generosity

Giving back

Grace

Gratitude

Growth

Harmony

Health

Home

Honesty

Hope

Humility

Humor

Inclusion

Independence

Initiative

Integrity

Intuition

Job security

Joy

Justice

Kindness

Knowledge

Leadership

Learning

Legacy

Leisure

Love

Loyalty

Making a difference

Nature

Openness

Optimism

Order

Parenting

Patience

Patriotism

Peace

Perseverance

Personal fulfillment

Power

Pride

Recognition

Reliability

Resourcefulness

Respect

Responsibility

Risk-taking

Safety

Security

Self-discipline

Self-expression

Self-respect

Serenity

Service

Simplicity

Spirituality

Sportsmanship

Stewardship

Success

Teamwork

Thrift

Time

Tradition

Travel

Trust

Truth

Understanding

Uniqueness

Usefulness

Vision

Vulnerability

Wealth

Well-being

Wholeheartedness

Wisdom

(Credit to Brene Brown for this list!)

Now what?

What did you learn about yourself from this exercise? Perhaps you notice that your values have shifted since developing a chronic condition, or perhaps they’ve stayed the same. Your values in this moment may only represent one snapshot in time. As humans, we are constantly evolving, changing, and developing- it’s okay if you’ve changed, too. What matters to you is a huge part of who you are.

What if I can no longer do the things I love due to my chronic condition?

One of the most devastating parts of living with a chronic condition can be the way it steals things you love from you. Are those things you might be able to get back? If not, is it time to pivot? I believe it’s possible to find meaning from new things, to constantly adapt and adjust. You can adjust to your new circumstances and continue to have purpose, fulfillment, and even joy. Are there certain activities, hobbies, or interests that would align with you current capacity, or things you’ve wanted to try but never made the time for? Now’s the time.

You also don’t exist in isolation. Who are the friends, family, or community supports that have been in your corner even through hard things? Lean in and remember that even if relationships might change, it’s still important to prioritize them in the ways you can. You might also want to connect more deeply with your chronic condition community. Building this community can feel meaningful, validating, and empowering. Search for local or national opportunities to participate in these spaces.

Supporting your mental health

Don’t minimize what you’re feeling. Be real with the people around you, because they’ve likely noticed changes, too. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend giving therapy a try. A therapist specializing in chronic illness will be able to help you better understand the feelings, grief, and identity changes that might be coming up for you.

If you’re looking for more support, let’s connect for a free intro call. I’d be honored to help you on your journey.